When Silence Speaks

When silence speaks, only a compassionate heart will hear. Sometimes, the wound is so deep that you cannot feel the pain. It goes so deep beneath the surface of expression, that emotes itself only in the din of silence.

I have heard silence speak many times, because I’ve had many instances of deep emotional gouging – the kind of thing that makes you feel like someone took your heart and made minced meat out of it. Today is one of those days. I have walked this path before, and I didn’t like the view back then. I must tell you that I don’t like it any better now either, so this must be a guidepost for someone else.

When I gave birth to my third son in November 1985, I became a minority in my home times four, in that I am the only member of the female gender living in that household. I look at many other families and see a mixture of boys and girls. However, there are few, like mine wherein you see all boys or all girls, and I call them God’s ultimate gift pack. That is when you know that God has singled you out to effectuate change in a big way, because from day one, all eyes are on you – and the offspring you bear.

Well, in my case, God did one better; first, he sent me an exclamation point, and then a full stop. Ervin and Mervin, being twins, were the exclamation point that got my attention. Javal because the full stop. So much so, that even after seventeen years, I have not conceded to giving birth to another child. It has nothing to do with Javal, Ervin, or Mervin. It has to do with me as a person. I feel that I need to learn and grow in certain aspects of life before I could undertake the responsibility of another child, and still be the kind of mother that I really want to be.

I love the joys of parenthood, but it’s the sorrow that seems to get the most air time. While most people display trophies of success, we display a trophy case that highlights our failures and shortcomings, and God says that’s a blessing. He said that it is not easy to publicly display the results of our fallacies, but by his grace we can become transparent to the world and make the world a better place, because we failed to accomplish that which we set forth to accomplish in our own strength.